Why “Untangled” Is Still One of the Best Guides for Understanding Teen Girls
What is Happening with my Daughter right now?
As an LPC who spends most of my days talking with teen girls and their families, I’m often asked the same question: “What is happening with my daughter right now?” And while I don’t have kids of my own, I do get a front-row seat to the inner world of adolescence, its pressures, worries, friendships, conflicts, and the very real emotional intensity that comes with growing up.
That’s exactly why I regularly recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour. This book gives language to what I see in the therapy room every day and helps parents understand their teen’s behavior in a way that reduces fear and increases connection through understanding.
Seven Stages of Developmental Transition
Damour organizes adolescence into seven developmental transitions, and each one captures a different way girls move from childhood toward adulthood. When parents understand these stages, the things that feel alarming or confusing often start to make more sense.
1. Parting With Childhood
Girls may begin seeking more privacy or independence. While this can feel like emotional distance, it’s typically a healthy step toward autonomy.
2. Joining a New Tribe
Friendships become central, and social shifts can happen quickly. Teens explore who feels like “their people,” and this can come with drama, closeness, or sudden changes.
3. Harnessing Emotions
Emotions run high during adolescence. Teens aren’t being overly dramatic their brains are still developing emotional regulation. This stage is about learning how to navigate feelings and not criticizing them for having and feeling them.
4. Contending With Adult Authority
Expect more questioning, debating, and pushing back. Although challenging for parents, this is a teen practicing their voice and autonomy. Pushing the boundaries is a normal part of adolescence, Unfortunately.
5. Planning for the Future
School, majors, careers these topics suddenly feel huge! Some teens dive in; others freeze at the thought. Both responses reflect the weight of imagining adult life.
6. Entering the Romantic World
Crushes, attraction, and relationships begin to surface. Teens are learning boundaries, vulnerability, and how to show up for someone emotionally.
7. Caring for Herself
Here, independence starts to take shape. Teens practice managing time, responsibilities, and coping skills. Along with plenty of trial and error along the way.
Signs to Look for and When to Worry
The biggest take away from this read, and why I like it so much is the palatable way that she describes signs to look for and when to worry. These red flags include:
A sudden and drastic change in mood or behavior
Withdrawing completely from friends or activities they used to enjoy
Extreme or prolonged anxiety that impacts daily life
Significant shifts in eating or sleeping patterns
Self-harm, talk of hopelessness, or feeling “numb”
Risky behavior that is escalating rather than experimental
If you notice these changes and they persist, trust your instinct. Start with an open conversation, nonjudgmental, curious, and calm. And if things still feel stuck, reaching out to a therapist can make a meaningful difference. As an LPC, I’ve seen teens flourish with the right support, and parents often feel relief simply having a guide in the process.
Adolescence is bumpy, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Sometimes the most powerful step is just asking for help!
How The Mind Spot Can Help
The Mind Spot can work with your teen daughter and help get her through the difficult emotions and stages of this tough age. Make an appointment with Jenny Saladino or one of our counselors today. Meet Our Counselors